Dear Dad,

With this letter I’m officially closing this project. I really believe that you’ve moved on to some other layer of where you are. And for you, I’m happy about that. It just seems like I’d be doing this for show, if I continued. I no longer feel any energy exchange in any of this. Maybe there never was. Maybe it’s just due to time and me not remembering. But I hope neither of those are true. I hope what is beyond, is much better than we can all really imagine and that there is a way to see things going on here. I also hope that everything that I thought I believed, in previous letters was real and you’ve really just moved onto another space of where you are, that has allowed you to let go of the weight of this place.

I guess this is sort of my real goodbye. I haven’t really said that before. Though, if its even really possible from where you are, please come back every now and again. Even if there are years between visits. I’d love to spend some dream time with you. Even if very short.

I still worry about Mom. And I feel bad that she’s by herself. I wouldn’t know what do without Eric, and he and I could be compared to a millisecond next to you and Mom. I wish I could make things better for her. And I carry the burden of realizing that I can’t, with me most days.

If you can, please look out for Lexi when I can’t. She’s getting so big. And if I didn’t let go and let her grow and really nourish that person that she’s finding and growing herself into, I wouldn’t be doing my job. Though I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified of the un-grip.

When Lola-Bacon and Shadow get to where you are. Please welcome them and hold them and tell them how much I love them. I’m sure there aren’t any sort of language barriers there across any beings. I wonder if they know really how much I love them.

Especially Shadow. He’s got the same rag-doll stories that Lexi does. Bouncing around for a while, as I built things back up.

I know I’ve discussed it in previous letters, but I wanted to say that I appreciate and understand so much more about you than I ever imagined. I think we just needed time. And I’m sorry that you’re not here to see this change happen. You and Mom gave James and me (Lexi too) more than even you guys realize. I think I’m a really good person. And smart. And I have great ethics. And integrity. Real integrity. At least most of the time anyway. I didn’t do that all on my own.

Hopefully we can pick this all up one day. But for now, I’ll try and close this. I love you. I know we didn’t really say that a lot. But it’s ok. I know it was all there. I thought that I needed to see and hear it more. But I don’t need that anymore. I just know it. I know that you’re proud of who I am right now. And that feels good. I know you were worried and doubted me for a while. Though, I know you were pulling for me.

I think you’re amazing. I didn’t tell you that enough. Actually, I don’t know that I ever told you that.

I love you. I’ll see you soon.

Though I hope not too soon. Not because I don’t want to see you. I’ve got a lot of more-than-wonderful things here. I’m thankful for my life and what I have everyday. I’ve got things worth fighting for. I’m so very lucky. And I’ve got things still left to do and I’m not ready to let anything go yet. I hope to be here much, much longer.

But one day we’ll catch up.

I love you.

Tiff

Dear Dad,

I’m not really sure what I’m doing here, to be honest. I know that you’ve moved on from anywhere that I can still hear you. However, there is something about occasionally just collecting my thoughts in one place and forgetting for a moment that you’re not as far away as you actually live, quiets things inside me for a while.

I feel like I’ve abandoned Mom the last couple of months in my business. Though I think all the craziness for me is bringing good things. I’m excited about things happening at work as well as things that I’ve been working on outside of the day job. And Lexi started spring season softball on Saturday. Her coach has a daughter that is Lexi’s age and she decided not to play this year. It reminded me of your sadness in my not wanting to play another season after 6th grade. You were so disapointed. Not in me, but the loss of that connection between us.

I also thought of you today. Lexi, Eric and I were having lunch at Sweet Tomatoes.  I’m not sure if you had ever been, but it felt like a place that you would have liked. It’s just a simple buffet type restaurant, but very familar. I mentioned to Eric that you would have enjoyed it there. He told me that I’m proably right, because he likes it. I asked him what he meant and he said, “I’m sure you remember your Dad as a very different person than I do. But I think I’m pretty similar to the person that I knew.” I wasn’t challenging his idea, but proded for more information on this. I don’t remember his answer. It wasn’t really important. I was just talking out of habit at that point. And I was chewing on the notion that he had actually thought about the comparison between the two of you. Lexi chimed in on her thoughts about him having the same sense of humor as you.

I don’t disagree with any of these thoughts.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,

Sorry it’s been so long in between letters…including my jump right over the holidays. This year wasn’t a super-fun one. I just felt like I was doing things because it’s what I was supposed to do and not because of what I was feeling. The whole thing just felt really forced. I printed your book finally. I think it turned out really well. I hope it was how you had envisioned it. I tried to follow all your notes, as well as I could. And I know you had some questions about what to inlcude or not include. I didn’t leave anything out and I hope that was ok. I think it turned out to be a really wonderful collection of your words.

I also probably haven’t been writing as much because I’ve been missing that connection between us. Maybe I was just crazy from the beginning to think that it was ever there. Though I think it’s more likely that you’ve moved onto other places, where it’s more important for you to be. I watched an amazing interview with Maya Angelou and in the interview she said, “Love liberates.” She used these words when discussing the time in her life when her mom was on the verge of leaving this world. And told the story of how she thought it a good idea to give her mom permission to move on, as some us need to hear, in order to actually do so. She said that she can love her from where she is. That it doesn’t change anything about her love. I don’t know what that means for these letters. But I belive that. I really do. You know…I’ve been writting these letters as a way to keep you here, and validate for me that you are still here. But maybe that’s not the right thing do to. And the more selfish thing to do. I have felt a quietness when I think of you lately. And a quiet in the form of absence. I hope this means good things for you and that maybe you’re not hanging around anymore. I hope this means that you’ve moved onto the really amazing parts of where you are. Because I do believe that love does liberate. And I can still love you from where you are. I do want you closer to me, but I realize that is not possible. And you need to be free to be where you need to, for you.

Again, I don’t know what this all really means for me or these letters, but the most important thing is that it really it doesn’t matter. It should really have been about you.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,

This weekend is about giving thanks and rembering all the things for which we should be grateful. Really everyday, not just one day a year. I’ve quite the things-to-be-grateful-for list and I try to make sure that I think of the wonderful things in my life, often. Two years ago today, you began a new journey for yourself. I hope it has been a wonderful one. Some days I’m mad that you’re not here. Others I feel sorry for myself. Though I try to have more days where I’m just happy that I had any days with you. Some spend their lives not knowing what it means to have a dad. I’m thankful that I’m not part of this group.

Eric and I hosted our very first Thanksgiving yesterday. Mom of course was here and there was a hole with you not here. Funny thing though, Lexi and Mom set the table with one extra plate. Maybe it wasn’t so much of an extra. Wish you were here. I miss you.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,

The holidays are approaching. I’m excited. Though I didn’t plan as well, financially, as I’ve done in the past. I’m sure all will work out, but I’m really looking for connections this year. Less gifts and more love. We’ll see, maybe that’s just my empty pocketbook talking. On another note, I’ve been thinking about you lately and how we had some tough years because of my belief that you had little belief and faith in me. Though hearing some stories from others about their relationships with their parents you were more than supportive. Maybe just a little honest about your feelings. Which hurts no one. Actually when I stop and think about it, I’ve given you a few reasons for you not to support me and my actions. But you and mom always stood by me, even at my lowest and invited me back with open arms always. Thank you. Really. I can’t imagine thinking that I couldn’t be myself infront of you. I’ll take us not always seeing eye to eye on everything over unacceptance, anyday.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,

I’ve had such a rough week with everyone. I see the teenager in Lexi belowing up a little. She’s been sneaky and using, really taking advantage of Mom, as a way to get her way (the opposite of what she knows that I’d want) by circumventing me. Eric would rather punish Lexi by just having Mom not pick her up from school at all. I know Mom really likes doing it and it gets her out of the house, as well as keeps her holding on to a real world connection that I know she’d like more of. I don’t know that my guilt for her being at the house (in my eyes my leaving her there) by herself, will ever let me do that. Eric also has really great messages for Lexi, but his delivery is just so wrong. The message delivered in his way is never going to reach her. He doesn’t want my help in tweaking it so that it will resonate with her. So he and I have been fighting after Lexi goes bed and I’ve fought (or at least discussed the situation with her until the cows have come home and left again) with her about her actions. And both of these things come after me feeling bad because Mom is unhappy about me reining in Lexi a little and unfortunatly her also. I just hope she knows that this all is coming from me doing the very best I can to help Lexi be there very best that she can. It is my most important job and know that I can’t screw it up, without huge consequences not just for me but more importantly for Lexi. I think you and Mom gave me a wonderful foundation and am using that for my decisions with Lexi today. I hope with all my heart, that she knows this. And honestly is proud. Not of me, but of her. It means you both did your job, in a very sucessful way.

I’m happy that we could close the week with a much lighter tone. Eric and Lexi are at their first Indian Guides camping weekend. Eric has been texting me some photos and it looks like they’re both having a great time. He says that Lexi had about 7 friends there and is really enjoying the whole thing. I’m sure in her mind it’s like having a big sleep over in the woods. I love that she gets to experience these things. And gives me just another layer of understanding of what and why you did things. I really hope you’re able to see the things going on here from where you are. I think I’m doing ok. Not perfect, but pretty good. I just hope you’re able to see. I know I’ve made mistakes, but I think I’m on track and just hope you’re able to know that I really am ok now. And if not completly ok, that I’m on the road to it. Maybe making more of the life decisions that you would have and making myself a little more stable.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,

I’ve got so much going on lately. For the most part, all good stuff. I’m working on some great projects at work. Because of this, Eric is having to fill in at home. And I’m grateful for Eric, and even the busyness and the projects. I wish you could see me and the work when it’s done. I think you’d be proud…I hope you’d be. I know we had some misunderstanding concerning my career early on. Though we both sort of made up for that in later years. It would just be nice to show you that I’m doing it. And I don’t mean throwing it in your face. Just honestly showing you that I’m really doing it. I know that once you understood and we had our understanding you were one of my biggest supporters. It would be wonderful for you to see it all happening. This week should be another eventful week. Let’s hope it all goes smoothly and I’m able to make you and the partners at work proud…myself too.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,

One of our partners (at work) got married this weekend. It was a really wonderful wedding. It called for formal attire and I wore a wonderful gown that I shouldn’t have purchased, but did anyway. I felt like a princess wearing it. It was wonderful. Though during the ceremony the groom walked out with his mom and I kind of lost it a little. I know his dad is with you, and I can’t imagine you not being at my wedding. Inside my head my thoughts were screaming:  Oh my god, his dad isn’t here. Oh my god, his dad isn’t here. I almost couldn’t breathe. Once again my heart broke for him at that moment. While at the same time made me feel so very grateful. Their wedding was beautiful. I hope they enjoyed it. And I wish them many wonderful years. Thank you so much for making it to mine. It was one of the best gifts life has handed me.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,

Happy Birthday!  As always, I hope things are well for you.  I’ve got so many good things going on lately and wish you were here to see them.  I’ve got a bunch of photography projects in the works.  Not really projects, but I’m shooting things.  Good things, that I can use for my site and things that just make my heart happy.  James, Mom and I are working on your book, but things have been slow going.  I’m having issues finding someone to print it as I think it should be.  But I’m going to work it out.  I really want them printed by the holidays.  I’m hoping we’ll have some wonderful gifts to give out on your behalf.  I’ve got some brownie mix that Eric bought at the grocery store this weekend.  I told him that I didn’t want any while he was buying it, but it’s ok to change my mind.  And I think it would be really wonderful to make it tonight and throw a candle in it before eating any.

I love you, Dad.  And miss you more than I thought I would.  Not that I thought I wouldn’t.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,

This weekend was J’s first birthday party.  James and Daniela thew quite the shin-dig.  James is so proud of J.  He’s getting so big and is really showing personality.  He’s so smart.  It’s all so cool to see.  And it’s funny, some of J’s expressions remind me a lot of James and you too.  You not being here this weekend was hard for me, and I know even harder for James.  It feels like you get further away the more that the time passes.  I know that this space here and these letters were supposed to help with that.  I don’t know if it’s becuase I haven’t been writing as much as I’d like, or if it is an inevitable conclusion to the the physical space betwen us.  Both make my heart hurt.

-Tiff